take the hit & learn from it

welp, Neuro Thing forced me to drop out of my courses. I’m not happy about it, but there’s not really any point in dwelling on it any more than the illness is already making me do; it certainly won’t magically change things, it’ll only ramp up the depression.

What have I learned?

  • to call Shine Lawyers.
  • I work optimally by myself, OR, with people who take the class as seriously as I do (…and respect the lecturers, dammit. ugh…)
  • my concentration issues are only exacerbated when I’m someone’s dictionary/proofreader in the middle of class itself
  • anxiety at its current level demands I absolutely do not make myself any kind of target for my peers
  • a decent sleep schedule and consistent med schedule is VITAL to my ongoing functioning
  • actually, just having a schedule in general puts me five steps ahead of the disease in any given situation, anyway
  • the neurological damage caused by the drugs my malpracticing asshole ex-psych coerced me into taking last year definitely counts as part of my disability oh my gosh I am willing to get into very stern arguments with anyone who says otherwise
  • travel and school food is expensive; I need to budget better
  • ‘Integrated Korean’ may be the textbook that school wants us to use, but that SO does not make it a good textbook
  • white students are feckin’ annoying and need to learn to STFU when teachers are talking

What do I do now?

  • keep studying Korean, of course! …with different textbooks (>_>;;)
  • brush up on my Japanese before class begins (January 3rd…ish? must check)
  • …hope like heck I ‘fall through the cracks’ regarding enrollment and performance again, and thusly avoid red tape (>____>;;;;)
  • clean my house and put my Christmas tree up? :O
  • livetweet MAMA on Friday night :3 (was way too bummed out to even watch last night, sigh)

shiny happy people holding hands

  • not dead, just busy with school and sickness
  • fairly sure I’m going to bomb the assessment item worth 40% of my grade, because I can’t remember a goddamn thing without prompts — welcome to whatever Neurological Hell the Lamictal disaster inflicted on me; nobody knows what it is
  • and I can’t get in to see a neurologist until JUNE. NEXT. YEAR.
  • yes, I am calling Shine Lawyers (no win no fee; it’s all I can afford) ASAP, and I am going to sue Dr. H-R for all the bitch is worth
  • and then some, if it turns out this has permanently ended my academic career
  • don’t know what that means if it has for me. what’s my purpose? what’s the point in staying alive? school is the only way I can get out of this cage, and if it’s no longer an option, I’m locked in for life. I’d rather be dead.
  • don’t know what else to say. Christmas is stressful and gross? but it always is. wish I could get out of it on religious grounds, but Taoism being Taoism…there’s nothing that says “THOU SHALT NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!”. if anything, most Taoists see it as a chance to become even more aligned with Tao. I’m still struggling with that; how can something that stresses me out — not just Christmas, but anything — help me get right with Tao?

…sorry this is such a goddamn downer of an entry. Have a kiwitten to make up for it?

why you sad? I don’t know, 난 몰라

“FAKE LOVE” is a great song, but I don’t think there will ever come a day when listening to it doesn’t feel like a physical punch in the gut.

나를 봐, 나조차도 버린 나
너조차 이해할 수 없는 나
Love you so bad, love you so bad

널 위해 예쁜 거짓을 빚어내
Love it’s so mad, love it’s so mad
날 지워 너의 인형이 되려 해

the most evil coffee I have ever had

nothing like a weirdly vile coffee from school to make you think “hmm, maybe I’ll never be able to eat another thing ever again.”

I have no idea what they did to it. I requested my usual flat white with four sugars. It came so incredibly hot I couldn’t hold the cup properly, and when I sipped it, I swear there weren’t no sugar in there. So I poured in three of the emergency packets I had in my bag. No difference made. Vile, vile, vile.

But I was tired almost to the point of brainfog so I drank it anyway. By the end of first class I was pretty sure I was going to puke on someone’s shoes. Sat through forty minutes of second class and then decided to stop being a Brave Heroine and just go the hell home. Kind of glad I did; I would not be able to walk home like this.

Reasonably sure they put a shot of raw rotavirus in it. Good frog I hope this lets up soon. Probably drinking water would help, but I feel too sick to even think about it. I am not giving that coffee place any of my money for a little while, I think.

I hope I can study like this. And retain the info, I mean. I have a damn test on Friday and I’d really like to pass it, if at all possible.

another apology owed

when you’re three seconds away from doing something that will be largely stupid and pointless.

some people will only ever see what they want to see, even if you hit them in the eyes with reality like a Triffid barb. them’s the breaks. you can’t make a person understand you if they are determined not to, no matter how plainly you state the truth to them.

and yet, it still rankles.

I will only fall in love with my next romantic partner if they prove to me that they can see and value me, as I am, not whatever they would rather I’d be, and not for what they can get out of me.

idle thoughts having almost finished my assignment

I don’t know why it is that the moment I relax, my brain — or possibly my sickness — decides that nope, all is terrible and awful and you should really have a nervous breakdown right about now, oh god, it’s all just so horrendous!

I kind of ‘float’ above it, or process it by ignoring it, I suppose, so it’s not as bad as it could be by any stretch of the imagination; I have some modicum of control. it just puzzles me as to why it happens at all. like, what is it about relaxing that triggers that kind of response? why?

I mean, it’s highly likely it’s some sort of chemical thing, as it usually is with me. 99% of my brainfwckery is entirely chemical-based. I have a surprisingly solid emotional grip on myself…when the chemicals aren’t causing weird crap to happen against my will no matter what I do. I’m just incredibly curious as to the why of it all, because then it’s easier avoided or dealt with.

(first person to suggest mindfulness gets a whack in the ear for not listening to a damn thing I just said. when the chemicals are doing the crazy, mindfulness is not going to help, never has, and never will. malfunctioning chemicals don’t give two goddamns what I do or don’t think about or concentrate on.

I am aggressive regarding this point because I’ve had the same suggestion and the same dismissal of why it doesn’t work for me all my life. if that makes me a bad person, so be it.)

in other news, my new Pullip arrived today, and I am over the moon. (her name is Raianne, and she’s a re-wigged Panda; and wow the original run Pullip bodies were flimsy. I’ll replace it with an Obitsu 27cm as soon as I can.) I didn’t know StarTrack delivered on Saturdays…

this is my la-la-la-la vie en rose

been a while~!

I’ve been busy. obviously. 😛 school started, and it’s only been two days (on campus, I mean; summer semester has technically been running four days as of now) but I’m loving it so much. my teachers are great, especially Kim-seonsaengnim (I’m sorry, but linguists who will happily rabbit on about the formation of a language always get massive bonus points with me), and JD is doing the same two classes as I am so it’s ten times as much fun. I take a single 10mg beta blocker in the morning and I can manage the hell out of the anxiety. public transport is still a royal jittery (and exxy…) pain in my ass, but I can deal. my sleeping schedule is a bit weird, but I’m not exhausted. I might even have the ability to micro-nap by the end of summer!

I don’t want to jinx anything by saying that I’m happy, but I’m so happy. all of this is what I want from life. it’s like summer ’16 but better.

and…the best thing. on Tuesday, I was just overwhelmed. full on depressed. thoughts not so much racing as making Usain Bolt look sluggish. anxiety off the scale. “why am I doing this? it’s going to crash and burn. I’m terrified.” that kind of thing, just catastrophising, over and over from the moment I got home Monday, reaching an utter crescendo early Wednesday morning (like, 3am-ish. that kind of deal.)

I got up and went to school anyway. I was brimming with disaster and terrified of everything but I fucking did it.

that’s the power I want to keep by me. I don’t want to cure the sickness, because that is literally impossible. but I want to be able to not be overwhelmed entirely by it. hell, it can batter me all it wants — I went to sleep on Tuesday night thinking “I probably won’t get to school tomorrow” — but I want to be able to keep my head above the water. just enough to breathe. just enough to keep going by my own will…which is much stronger than anyone gives me credit for. especially myself.

I think it’s partially embracing a kind of “whatever happens, happens”…not mindset per se, more…I’m not sure what to call it. but when I went to sleep on Tuesday night cycle-thinking about how I wouldn’t get to school the next day, I do recall thinking to myself, over the top of said circling thoughts, “if we do, we do. if we don’t, we don’t. that’s all there is to it. now sleep, because it’s not going to change the future.”

it’s kind of embracing fatalism and hope at the same time, which is one weird, weird mix. but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

This feeling is more than a ruby
Like the sparkling that I’m feeling
I don’t wanna make it blue
Imagine your la vie en rose…

oh no! a weekend!

anxiety: ohnoes it’s Friday and we’re SO EXHAUSTED!!11!11one We have SCHOOL on MONDAY!!

yrs truly: yes, Minjangie*. that’s why they invented weekends. which has not even started, yet.

anxiety: …oh. 😐

 

* I anthropomorphise my anxiety as a little purple bunny, because it’s easier to handle & be kind to, that way.