Nothing like bursting into tears of frustration for a few minutes to…discover why what makes you tick does so?
I guess…I like what I like in the bedroom, and romantically, and hell, even just on a platonic level, really, because I’m…I’m not inept. I don’t believe that. I am, not innately, inept. I have a sickness that imitates ineptness, but I am not an inept person. When I’m healthy, I can manage the heck out of my stuff; I’ve proven that time and time again. I am not naturally apathetic or listless.
I know who I am. I am the summer girl. She is not someone else.
But I can’t be who I am with this strangling phantom on my back, no matter how hard I try.
(“I tried to tame this mind, you better believe that I have tried to beat this…”)
I am the way I am because I’m forced into powerlessness, in so many aspects of my life. Not all of them, no, but a fair few. Too many to be healthy, and there’s just no way out. If the stranglehold isn’t emotional, it’s financial, which is a thousand times more powerful than anything anyone else says. The only people who would disagree are people who have money and never have to worry about it.
It’s not having power over someone. It’s having power. To protect, to give pleasure, to love, to be motherly, whatever. It’s not a selfish power, it’s just power because I have so little. No, not even power, just…agency, I suppose. It’s things I can’t do because I’m so…so fragile and broken, everyone’s little sister. People can be more than a decade younger than me, literally, and they’re so much older than me. Time left me behind.
Is this how Time Lords feel? Or are they made to deal with it?
I’m so tired. It’s migraine pills and crying talking, I know, but it’s still there. I can’t remember the last time I felt alive; it must have been before Christmas. (Though, to be fair, I can’t remember anything, ha.)
I wish I knew how to stop all this, but I think there’s only one way…
“…I was exhausted, and unhappy, sick and lonely and dancing with razorblades too often. So I severed the guy-wires that kept me suspended and swayed in the wind….”