idle thoughts having almost finished my assignment

I don’t know why it is that the moment I relax, my brain — or possibly my sickness — decides that nope, all is terrible and awful and you should really have a nervous breakdown right about now, oh god, it’s all just so horrendous!

I kind of ‘float’ above it, or process it by ignoring it, I suppose, so it’s not as bad as it could be by any stretch of the imagination; I have some modicum of control. it just puzzles me as to why it happens at all. like, what is it about relaxing that triggers that kind of response? why?

I mean, it’s highly likely it’s some sort of chemical thing, as it usually is with me. 99% of my brainfwckery is entirely chemical-based. I have a surprisingly solid emotional grip on myself…when the chemicals aren’t causing weird crap to happen against my will no matter what I do. I’m just incredibly curious as to the why of it all, because then it’s easier avoided or dealt with.

(first person to suggest mindfulness gets a whack in the ear for not listening to a damn thing I just said. when the chemicals are doing the crazy, mindfulness is not going to help, never has, and never will. malfunctioning chemicals don’t give two goddamns what I do or don’t think about or concentrate on.

I am aggressive regarding this point because I’ve had the same suggestion and the same dismissal of why it doesn’t work for me all my life. if that makes me a bad person, so be it.)

in other news, my new Pullip arrived today, and I am over the moon. (her name is Raianne, and she’s a re-wigged Panda; and wow the original run Pullip bodies were flimsy. I’ll replace it with an Obitsu 27cm as soon as I can.) I didn’t know StarTrack delivered on Saturdays…

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