to everything there is a season, but that season isn’t now

now is not the time. now is not the time to bloody freak out, not about hospitals, or stalkers, or fear of toxicity, nor about the emotional torment that was ’11-’12, nor the swaddling in cotton wool, nor spines not growing where the body can’t see a necessity for them, or anything. it. is. not. the. time. are you listening to me, self? it is not the time!

do your makeup, put your twintails up, and go and see your movie about your ridiculous Korean boy band. don’t worry about anything else right now.

I love these two and I really didn’t think I would

“Look, I know it’s an artform or whatever and all,” Niko said, one eyebrow raised. “But, like…have [these artists] ever seen an ACTUAL pair of breasts? You know, attached to a real girl?”

Asher’s snort said everything. “Bruh.”

“I mean…they don’t move like that. They honestly do not. Like, they’re not really my area of expertise–” a choking noise was heard above the animated calamity onscreen as Asher spat out his Coke “–but if your tits move like that, you should probably see a doctor.” Niko paused. “Or an exorcist.”

and now a long moment while your author pauses and laughs her head off. I…honestly did not think I would care overmuch for either Niko or Asher, but the former’s statements and the latter’s reactions…I am deceased. officially.

damn I hope I don’t have to kill either of these two off.

my hair is literally more important

this is your semi-bi-annual reminder that

1) I am not in a cult;
2) I do not know anyone who runs a cult which I (or you, for that matter, dear reader) can be a part of;
3) I do not have the time, energy, nor inclination to run and/or join a cult, seeing as school starts in a week.
[3a) I may reconsider this for a cult based on ‘gasping about how goddamn amazing RM’s “mono.” is’, but I’m not making any promises.]

fight like a (magical) girl

Okay, I love two of my villains already.

“Fuck me blind,” Niko rasped out, still prostrate on his back and staring up at the sky with hazy eyes. A small trickle of blood ran from his lower lip. “She hits like a girl.”

Asher gave him a doubtful look. “You kissed the dirt, dude. And now you can’t move.”

“Yeah, exactly. Ow.”

“And you say she hits like a girl?”

“I wouldn’t be in half as much trouble if she hit like a dude.”

things you don’t need to apologise for

  • what you enjoy, if it hurts nobody
  • especially if it’s just something like, I don’t know, pop music
  • being cheerful
  • having friends
  • not liking something, if you’re kind and respectful about it
  • having interests that are wildly different from each other
  • having and enforcing personal boundaries
  • illness
  • other people’s bad behaviour if they are not, say, children you are directly responsible for

laetitia iucunditas animarum

so, I bought a ticket to a certain movie today…and I’m planning an outfit to wear. to sit in the dark and watch a movie.

I…want to say I haven’t done that before, but I have. but I haven’t done that since I was about twelve, so. (^^;) I feel ridiculous, but I also kind of don’t mind?

I guess it’s the little things. ♥ summer girl is waking up again. I’m happy just doing my thing, however silly it might seem to anyone else. other people might not like that, but to me, that’s a damn good sign.

for Christmas…for Christmas I want to get well again, and stay well. I want to be able to deal with it when the system goes offline and know that it’ll come back online. in ’16, I thought for sure that I had that, but…literally nobody expected the first half of ’17 to be as rough as it was. it threw me for a triple loop. then the disastrous winter happened, and I lost a huge chunk of my life and my health, then the new year and a suspicion, another difficult winter, and a suspicion confirmed (with a totally inexplicable sudden relapse, to boot)…I want to be well. and to know how to recover in the moments — only moments — when I become ill, which is a part of wellness.

not be happy 100% of the time, and not have a flawless life. that’s a ridiculous thing to want, and horrifically unrealistic to boot. but contentment. just contentment. and the ability to beat the illness before it takes me over. there’s no cure; I can’t make it vanish. but I want to know how to tame it, at least.

let the lion still exist, but I will be its master. not vice-versa.

of anpan, or a distinct lack thereof

a good day. I checked in my Daylio diary and it’s the first ‘good’ day I’ve had since Sept 30. not that October was a horrendous month, really, but so many of my moods were just ‘neither-nor’ on the scale. I mean, I guess that’s better than being sad or sick, but…it was dull, and a little frustrating. I don’t hope for happiness every day, but going through a month where everything was just same-same-same gets irritating.

in other news, oh my hecking frog it’s hot and damp and ugh subtropics UGH. you could go swimming through the air. twelve towels’ worth on the humidity scale. dreadful.

two of my brothers came over so we could go shopping and get lunch. we went to the town over because I thought there was a Breadtop there, and I have the worst. craving. for anpan (but then again, when do I not?) but it’s gone! now I have to go to the inner city suburbs if I want anpan. that’s fine during school time, but a trek into the city just for delicious bread is kind of a pain in the neck.

…bought another succulent. WHAT. 😛 his name is A Weed (because it was the first thing my brother asked me when he saw him in my trolley. “is that a weed?!”, I mean). he’s got spots and I love him.

little else to say here, I guess. I’ve accidentally dropped my blogging mojo somewhere. dang.